"Tired of being alive, tired of wanting to die."

I used to think that as long as I had myself, I could take on all the madness that the world has to offer to me. I had enough of disappointments from my loved ones. I did not want anybody to be indispensable in my life because I know everyone is eventually going to let me down. I am tired of always being the disappointed one, the forgotten one and the one who will eventually be replaced.

I tried to muster all the strength I could possibly squeeze out of this soul of mine which feels so small and trudge on with life. I have no idea how I got through days of my life, smiling at people, talking as if everything was normal and okay when I felt like I was carrying a leaden weight of unhappiness inside me.

But, I find myself at the losing end in this constant battle with a depressed ghost of my former self. I find my mind processing so many thoughts at a time but I have no idea what is on my mind. I feel so tired but I know I have to keep going because the only alternative is to fall apart and be shattered into pieces.

I have been holding onto these broken pieces of myself. I did not come this far to be shattered into pieces.

 
    
I am not the sunny girl others perceived me to be. It just a persona I created to build a fence around the fatal emptiness inside me. Behind the ornamental egos which I built, there is only an abbys of nothingness and the intense thirst that comes with it. I tried so hard to forget it but the nothingness would visit me from time to time. During such times, all I need is to be held by someone, anyone. But, nobody is there.

All I have is just me, myself and I.